The brilliance has gone lost from those missing, short lived daydreams…. The “nut case” has finally found his nut inside a crack on it‘s disastrous sets of shelling ; After having that raw and happenstance glimpse of the true forces fighting; a quick and sneaky little peek of myself reflecting. Something’s going to continue with privately petitioned consciousness … The circumstances, situations, and surroundings in which we grow the best therein, eventually, ( in accordance with one’s capacity to just, “letting go” ), make for us the accurate space of energy that is necessary, in order to be flourished…
Ever am I the dying first; tired of being the best of the best, who finishes dead, in last place. Where did my dignity run off to? Don’t I care at all to ask, where the hell is me? There is nothing that I do not get, simply because I do not get it. It’s really fucking strange when people start telling you that ,” Elias, your doing a lot better than before, ..you’ve come a long long way since then man!”
When in all actuality, ( and with funny little secret giggles sounding off in my mind like a game show weasel ass neck, tricky little fucker ),
Do not know where that was heading but anyways people would compliment me on how much beter I’m doing ( and that really just mean, you don’t look like a wild druggie crazy man) when really I was still doing just as bad as I was, or worse…..It’s just that after you meet your peak with any particular drug-using -, not only do you accumulate a hefty list of fucking up, making mistakes and getting caught; But you also become masterful at disguising your drug usage (and in my case), hiding the true nature of your craziness….
Can’t negotiate with all the quarks that make me the weird fucking person that I am. So, you couldn’t deal with my craziness? But, did my craziness ever abuse you? However, I suppose I ain’t got no right…coming at you so unfair…The forgotten pains that were of my own causing cut the chances forever. Every where I go now, a small piece of you is always with me. It does not matter what world of place I’m in or the people of whoever I’m with, I carry these imprints regardless of what life may surround me in.
Somehow, ( and with a stunned expression ), I am awaken by a good point proven… I remember this old tune and getting caught up in the ritualistic repetitions of madness…Don’t think there has ever been a shortage of all that crazy shit in any point of my life and so forth, no point in my life ever has been without some kind of strange reminisce of insanity. I’m still learning about acceptance of one’s self the way one is. Therefore, I am continually striving toward that peace in just being.
Open, leaving a cracked door, for the confrontational side of my mind. So that it may make it’s stand and so I may also do so as I recognize the clearing fog of all denial.
It’s hard to admit it to even myself sometimes… For almost eight years, I’ve been abusing drugs…, and now, I’m nothing more than a full blown addict that believes kicking the habit would simply be too hard. Everything is just great when I’m using the infamous “drug of choice” . My work is better, my focus is better, I’M better!…
Drugs honestly play a big role in “who I am” . Along with me, at every one of my successful and most worthless and desperate moments (since age 14) the drugs were there too.
Points are appearing to me in ways that I did not know one could be explained. I’ll get these messages, or signs, if you will, that are too, “in your fucking face” to ever forget…let alone trying to just ignore a calling to duty, in which, you are passionate in pursuit.
I really don’t fucking mean to act like the guy
who‘s “seen it all and done it all” , but here I’ll go anyway.
I promise I will give it my best and most realistic impersonation of characteristics.
Listen, I know I’m only at the young and ripe age of twenty two. But I can tell you one thing… I may be twenty two years of age , but, there’s give or take about Forty plus years of mileage under thSis souls hood.
I really fucked up my body , and still am. With anything I can get my hands on. But right now it’s prescription drugs at near deadly dosages to keep me functioning at the rate , of which, I deserve to travel at… It wasn’t until two nights ago…Just two nights ago,…That I purely saw everything clearly, as it was.. I was Shocked as shit , disguised in myself, BUT, slightly proud enough to keep my depression at bay till the last round’s end…
Here Was The Realization : IAM REALLY FUCKINGFUCKED UP!
For some peculiar asking, then came a answer :Yes, I know that Clifford’s “magic balls“, are not really magic at all. I never knew it would get this bad.
I cant stop using but something in my gut puts me at ease with my lifestyle. What if this IS exactly where I’m supposed to be…..One those unbearable folk whom look far beyond themselves and pity no better looking folks . Ya know, the people that actually make a difference.